Questioning

I wonder all of the time what would happen if I died just now. Out of nowhere. I went in the bathroom, opened the cabinet, grabbed the pills, and overdosed while my grandmother was asleep. What would happen? When she woke up, she would go in expecting to brush her teeth, just to find her grandson lying on the floor dead. What would she do? Would she sit down and cry? Would she finally understand? Would she finally listened to everything I tried to tell her? Would she cry over my dead body, or would she pick up the phone first? What would my mom do when she arrived? Would she sit over my body and cry? Would it kill her to know that she failed to parent her child? Would she finally see how much she abused her child? Would she want me back? Would she finally have what she wanted? One less burden for her. Is that what she wanted? Did she want this for me? When they took me away, would she trail behind in tears and want me back? Would she ever sleep at night again? What about my siblings? What would they all do? My older brother. Would he finally love his 'faggot' brother? Would he finally regret bullying me? Would he finally hate himself for letting me go to school, get bullied, then come home and instead of support, get bullied by my blood? Would he finally open his eyes to the fact that he failed as a brother? What about my younger sister? Would she cry every night? Would she try to help my mom? Would she stay alone? Would she fend this world alone without me and like it? Would she rather it be this way? Would ALL of them want it this way?

Those 'friends'. What would they do? Mourn?
What about the internet 'friends'? How would they figure out I was dead? Nobody would ever know I was gone.

What would you do?
Would you cry?
Would you regret it?

Does someone really 'matter' until they are gone?

Would he finally see that I was a disaster? Would he finally see how much was going on? Would he finally understand that I'm a bitch? Would he find another and leave me behind to be nothing but a memory? Would he cry at night? Would he like that bitch finally being gone? Would he cry himself to sleep or would he sleep at all? Would he finally see what it's like without me? Would he like knowing that I was gone and not coming back? Would he say "I can finally be out of that situation, that was just exhausting me."? Would he say "I just didn't know how to tell him I didn't love him."? Would he talk about how much he loved me? Would he finally see that I wasn't worth the fighting? Would he finally see the worthlessness I felt? Would he ever see how I felt on the inside? Would he finally see my thoughts on an open platter? Would he finally see why nobody wants me? Would he finally see how useless, worthless, ignorant and frustrated I felt?

I don't see how anyone loves me. I don't see how these people stick around for me when I'm nothing. I know that. I feel that way. I don't know what's a lie and what's the truth. I don't know why I matter and why I still exist.