Late Night Thinking: Stay Trippy

I'm the kid walking into class with a bleached scalp and a ring of black. Precisely, very misunderstood and mistaken; immediately shocking and out of the ordinary. I find myself more interesting than I do most of the school work I waste my time with. I want to travel to the very depths of my mind and find every dark secret I have locked in the back of my head. People do say that we have a third eye, and it's the one we can't visually see, but the eye we see with inside of our head; our sixth sense. I wonder what my mind holds behind these walls and I wonder how close I have come to it and how much it takes to get to the other side. I really would want to find myself and who I am supposed to be than just have fun. This life is mine and I don't want to waste myself away, but things become so challenging when you are left alone with a stolen heart. I feel like I let it go a long time ago and I don't know how it's possible just to come back to me. I don't know where it may be and I don't know where I am inside myself. I don't know what I want to be in my life. I don't know who I want to be with. I question my gender and what I was supposed to be. I wonder what the fuck I actually am supposed to be because things like this are just so confusing. I'm only sixteen but this body just feels so much older. My back is aching half of the time and substitute my pain in my lungs. I found that I like hurting myself more than anything because I feel so much blame. That I just haven't done the right thing all of this time. I feel so lost without having someone telling me how important I am every day. And even if someone told me now, I would never believe it. I won't accept love. I won't fall again and hurt myself like I did before. How do you just get over something like that. When you love someone so much and you rely on them more than you do yourself to wake up. I didn't know where to turn with my life and I feared being alone. But I don't want anyone else. I don't want to let anyone else in. I want to be different. I want to find an outlet of this pain and make my mind understand me how I need to. But the biggest question I have, is where the fuck do I even start? Sometimes my mind is my worst enemy and sometimes it's my best friend. Sometimes I feel blessed and sometimes I feel cursed. I want to keep breathing but I just want to find my purpose.