Acceptance

Phone calls with family; majority of the time, a very degrading situation for me. Mostly because I don't feel like many people in my family really understand who I am. There is quite a big difference than their expectations of me and who I turned out to be. Does that mean I will stop being who I am? Of course not. I may say this particular topic does not bother me most of the time, but it actually does when I get to thinking about it. Most anyone (just admit it) wants the acceptance of their family, to a certain extent. I grew up alongside these people and they watched me grow into the person I am. But at the same time, I feel as if they are stuck on me as a kid, which makes me sad for them and myself. Especially to the ones in my family that actually support me (with household and monetary issues). I mourn the most over the fact that I feel like they love me as who I used to be; a sad and lost little kid. I don't want to be loved for my past self. I want to be loved for who I am. Yes, my past self is a part of me and always will be, don't get me wrong. But if I prefer to look past the things that I was born into (my name, initial image, family) to find myself and make myself into who I truly am, which is what I have worked for in myself over the past few years. The main point of my name change other than the fact that I just can not stand my given name was to work on creating MY image of who I truly am. Everyone was once a kid and everyone was once lost, but who we grow into be is the most important part. I want the acceptance of who I am, whether people understand who I am or not. People do not have to understand who I am. I don't expect everyone to. But the people who matter to me such as my family, I seek the acceptance of. I don't like being around people who cannot completely understand me, even though I deal with it a lot because I love my family.

Maybe some day, I will be able to make my family understand me more and love me for who I am. It's a goal for me, and always has been.

Another issue for me that this brings up is the fact that I never felt wanted when I was younger. I felt like a punching bag and it caused me to blame myself for a lot of the things that I shouldn't later on in life. Truthfully, it fucked me up in the head and made me have issues with who I am. Safe to say, most of the time, I can move past these things and it normally won't bother me. But there comes a time when we look into the things we are presented with. A little reminder of what issues you have. One of the only reasons I ever have an issue with myself is because other people have an issue with it (family mostly). That's why I choose to stay away a lot. I enjoy being around the people who truly make me feel wanted.