Spoons Loves Catnip

I feel a sense... of discomfort.

When the dog enters the room I am...

Unsure how to feel.

-Spoons

Dear... (Update September 2014)

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• Mood:  Pleased
• Listening to: No Love (Remix) (feat. Nicki Minaj)- August Alsina
• Reading: -
• Watching: Orange Is The New Black
• Playing: Pokemon
• Eating: Chick Fil A
• Drinking: Red Bull

Hey guys. I did this journal entry a while back, but I am now redoing it for an update and to tell you all how my feelings have changed.

Dear Birthgiver, 

You are the one in this entry that I can say that I hate the most. You are definitely not my favourite person, and even though I may favour your looks, you are still just as deceiving and hideous on the inside. You have made things difficult for me my entire life, and for that I will always hate you. I will always hate the things that you said to me, the insults and the dream-crushers. I have moved on with my life. I have a family that treats me right and have taken me in. And there is not a single thing you can do about it. I made sure myself that there would be no way for you to hurt me again or to take my soul. You cannot force me back home ever again and you will no longer be stealing my money from me like you have been for years. I will abide by that last text message you sent me for good now. "Why don't you just pretend I'm dead so you can move on with your life, okay?"

Bitch what do you think I've been trying to do.

Dear Mom,
I don't think I could ever thank you enough for all you do for us. To keep 9 kids up and running and going to school, you do better than anyone I have ever seen. Nothing can compare to the joyfulness I felt when you told me that I could live with your family. It's an honour to say that this is my family now. I try to help out any way I can, but you top anyone at doing favours. Thank you for always taking care of me and all of the siblings. I could not have done the things that you have. I hope I can see you smiling more one day. And I hope I can help you in every way possible. Never give up on yourself.

Dear Dad,

Things would have been so much different if you were here. I think that maybe I would not have gotten the abuse from my mother that I did. I think maybe I would have been a different person. I think about how you would have thought of me now of days. If you would understand me and my ways. I don't know. But I do know that I would have liked to have met you. It's sad that I can't really mourn over you being gone because you were almost never here. You were gone so soon and I was so young. But people always tell me that I am a lot like you. But it seems over the years I just act like my mother (except I do everything better than her). I cherish all of the talents you gave me and the personality and I also cherish the aggressive and bitchy side from my mother. That's what makes me who I am.

Dear Brother,

Older brother: I really don't like you lol. But I have sex on the back of your truck all of the time. It's quite hilarious that you dislike me as much as you do, you never speak to me and you're an asshole. I hope you get your shit together one day.

Andrew: You have so much ahead of you baby. I hate that I am unable to see you because I don't live with my mother anymore. I miss seeing you and laughing with you all of the time. I miss you coming in my room at Nana's and always making me smile. You are going to be someone someday. I will always cherish the smiles that you gave me and all the great times. I can't wait to come see you again.

Jack, Charlie: You guys are the best little brothers. You always make me smile and always make my day a little brighter. You are both charming and beautiful kids and look forward to seeing how much you will both grow up to be. I love that I am able to see you both grow up so fast. It's sad and enjoyable. You're both a blessing. Jack and Charlie, I hope you always keep your head up throughout your life. No matter if you end up as gay, heterosexual, transgender, bisexual, or a loaf of bread, I will always love you for who you are. Fuck what anyone thinks. Always be who you are.

Dear Sister,
Madison: You are one smart little girl. I see so much of myself in your eyes and the way you smile and laugh all of the time. I know things are difficult right now, but I want you to know that there is always a better day waiting for you. You have the smarts and the maturity to be so much more than your mother and anyone else. You can be anything you want to be in life. Just always keep your head up and strive for the best in yourself.

Emeli, Annie, Bonnie, Lily, Dorothy: My wonderful little sisters. You are all amazing and talented girls. You are all an amazing family to have and make me so happy every day. You are beautiful, talented, and always high-spirited. I love spending time doing make up, hair, nails and cracking jokes at one another. I know that every single one of you have so much ahead of you.

Dear Boyfriend,
You finally came into my life. The last time I wrote this journal, you were not even a thought of mine. You had not come into my life and I still had so much ahead of me. You are literally the best thing to happen to me. And I know there is a reason why we are inseparable, and that's because we fit together like two pieces of a broken heart; you complete mine and I complete yours. As soon as I met eyes with you, I felt more love than anything. And the first time you held my hand in the car, I almost shit myself. Our first kiss was everything I could ask for. From then on, I knew. Ever since we met, you and I have only been apart for a few days. Because being without you makes me sick. Now we fucking live together. It's unreal how much this family has taken me in and made me feel at home. I will always cherish these moments together. I love you so much.

Dear Ex,
You've all hurt me so much. But nothing can compare to the strength I have built off of you all fucking me over. Now I am stronger. I don't need you. I have everything I need now. All I can say is, I've moved on. And I don't know why I EVER would have settled for less.

Selfies and Cats

Here are a few photos of myself and my cats, Spoons (black) and Rhino (grey).

Clock

Whenever dusk begins to break, the minds of the humans around the world begin to change. The darkest hour of the night, the darkest things come out. The creepers of the night are out to prey and the killers are out to put a right to a wrong in their heads. People sometimes fail to understand that the darker things in life are in the darkest hours. As silent as the night may be, things are slowly lurking the night looking for their purposes.
Living in this house at night makes me get a little lonely. I have little purpose to people except to satisfy their needs. I hear a lot of the things that go on at night here and it gets my gears running. Everyone is wondering what their purpose is in everything. The purpose of life is to find that purpose. Maybe that's why most people look to a higher power to answer the questions they can't seem to answer. As humans, they look to have an answer to everything. Just as when a human calls a name out to someone, they expect a response. It's the same situation with people finding out what life really means. Those who challenge themselves the strongest are the ones who struggle the most. Because what humans don't know is that they will forever be chasing and contemplating that answer. The answer may never come.
As I listen into the conversations that go on around the house, I'm only invisible. But I do learn a lot from just listening to the mother and her child talking at night. The child's name is Andrew and he loves to question every concept of life. He's only a young boy, but his questions and his contemplation just doesn't seem his age. He wonders why humans were even put on the earth, why things happen the way they do, or who made it. But I admire the mother the most in this household because of the stories she tells to him to help him better understand himself and the world around him.
"Mommy, I'm scared to go to sleep tonight."
"Andrew, we already talked about the monster. He's not real. He only lives in your head."
"It's not about that, I just hate going to sleep not knowing things."
The mother asks Andrew what he is thinking about and he begins to talk about his thoughts.
"Well, Mommy, I just don't understand why people are so mean. I was at school today, and this mean kid told me that God didn't love me because I wasn't like them and I didn't go to church like them. I tried to tell the teacher but she only told him to stop, but he never did."
"Honey, you always have to remember that there are so many people in this world with different lives, beliefs, and opinions. But the God that I know doesn't hate you, nor does he hate anyone."
Andrew smiles and asks about what God is like.
"The God that I know doesn't rule over me, and he doesn't judge anyone. And you know him as well!"
He looks confused at his mother.
"Mommy I've never seen him before."
"Just because you cannot see him doesn't mean that he is not there. Let me tell you about him. This God that I know lives right here," she says as she points to his forehead and he looks confused at her again.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you know when you're doing something wrong, you hear that little voice in the back of your head telling you not to?"
He nods at her.
"That's him speaking to you. He lives with you. He lives the same life as you. And he is with you everywhere you go."
Andrew still doesn't quite understand what his mother is talking about.
"You see, Andrew, you shouldn't always look to other people to have power of you. Because the God that everyone is searching for is right here in your head. Though sometimes you can't seem to find him in your head, he is always there. He is no different than what you are."
"Then why do people always try to tell me I am wrong for not going to church or being like them?"
"Honey, everyone will not understand you. Whatever God deems to be is all up to you. people who label themselves as a certain thing limit the possibility to anything in this world. Anything is possible in this world, Andrew. But there is one thing for sure, you will always have "God" right with you. And his name is Andrew."
One of the biggest purposes in life is to find satisfaction and peace with yourself. The reason I admire this mother the most, compared to any other parent I have ticked on the wall for, is that she understands the importance of believing in YOURSELF above anyone else.
But always remember. You are a human, and there are endless possibilities in this world. I know my purpose in this world. To tick, tock, and click until I'm burned out. Have you found yours?

A Big Step In Life

It kind of breaks my heart looking at old things on my Facebook. How things used to be and how stable things were living with my grandmother; now it just seems like I have no relationship with my mother's side of the family. Like, no more dreaming of getting away from them, but now I AM away from them. And I know it breaks my grandmother's heart that I left. But there comes a time that you take life by the horns and own it. YOU own your life. Not ANYONE ELSE. And even though it hurts to see that things went downhill, I know I am happy now.

It was not necessarily my grandmother's fault. I blame most things on my mother because she tried to take away everything that made me happy. It was time for me to move on with things in my life.

I am now moved out, I have graduated high school, and now I have an amazing family that I live with.

No more dealing with tedious issues with my family.

Luckily, my other grandparents on my father's side fully support me and let us visit my hometown to see everyone and get a break. So I still have some support from the family.

Inferior

This word to me has helped me to figure things out for myself. What exactly I'm seeking to explain is my ideas of myself to other people. Being inferior, as in, being lower in rank. Someone who is the opposite of superior.

To me, the ideas of superiority and inferiority have helped me to explain exactly what I seek in myself.

Being born a very vulnerable person and growing up in a very destructive household, being inferior was the complete norm for me. Almost too much of the norm for me, because it became an idea in my head. The idea that I would never be superior, to be above other people; which to me, it also meant that their judgment mattered more. My mom always taught me that it mattered what other people thought of me. My mom was always a slave to society. Being the norm to me was just who I was. But to others, I was weird and they didn't understand me. I have always dreamed of being the one who was superior; to have power and control. Because I have always been so afraid of my own person and of other people. I always saw myself as inferior, which still affects me. When I get insecure about things, I consider myself an inferior person and it makes me more angry with myself. I want to have the power because I know I can handle things with care. I hate being in the situation that I feel as if someone else is above me now, especially in relationships. It's been an issue to the point that I anger myself in random moments. I find myself the most inferior whenever I am having an insecure moment. And the reason I am having the insecure moment is because something triggers the fact in my mind that I am inferior.

I have found that it is one of my biggest fears... ever. And now that I have the words to figure this whole thing out, it may be one step closer to understanding my mind and taking it by the horns.

Not only that, this is an actual thing. So I'm not just insane.

(plot twist; yes I am actually just insane)

inferiority complex

n.

A persistent sense of inadequacy or a tendency to self-diminishment, sometimes resulting in excessive aggressiveness through overcompensation.

"How in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

What is something that you hate the most about yourself?

I ask myself this question a lot when it comes to... well anything.
The thing is, most of the time, I cannot point out one thing about myself that I hate the most. I look at my problems as a whole; simply because they make up who I am. I don't just hate one thing about myself, I hate most everything about myself underneath it all. My bit of confidence that I show in every day life is definitely not exactly what I am feeling. There is a part of me that feels confident and willing to move on with the next problem that life throws at me, but overall, my problems seem to consume me.

The possibility that there is always something better than me out there for people to deal with bothers me in particular. Feeling like my relationships are always going to fail simply because I cannot love myself makes things exhausting. I try to push these thoughts away most of the time, because I prefer not to even acknowledge that they are even there. Sometimes I feel they are only the dark voices in my head trying to haunt me again, but at the same time, I still believe them.

How can you love someone else when you cannot love yourself?

This particular saying bothers me too. Only because I strongly disagree with it. Ever since I was younger, I have hated who I was and most things about me. Because of the way I was raised and the amount of verbal abuse, I feel like I developed a different person; my negative side.

I have always been the type of person to live for other people. It's how things have always been put out to me. My mom always told me that I could not be who I wanted to be, so how was I supposed to get myself away from the mindset that I was never going to be good enough. Though this motivated me for a long time to keep going, it has come back to bite me in the ass in the end. I don't know how to love myself, but I know how to love other people.

I guess you could say that I do love myself but only to a certain extent. But loving other people was the only reason that I wanted to keep going. I wanted to find someone who was going to make me forget about those things. I wanted someone to make me love myself more and to hold me whenever things got bad. But I guess that's tough shit for me. Life itself showed me that that's not how things work around here.

“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
― RuPaul

As I quote RuPaul here, I question this more than most people do. Aside from the self-confidence and uplifting vibes of this quote, I question what it actually means. Other than just being a quote to help people become more confident in who they are, what does it actually mean?

It makes me wonder how in the hell I am going to love myself before other people.

I have tried for many years to help myself and to become more self confident but I find little success. The more I work on being who I am and loving who I am, the more I hate myself. At the end of the day when I am laying in the bed, who in the hell do I love? What is loving yourself, exactly? Because I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe this is just a teenage hormone thing like they all say but damn does it get exhausting trying to love yourself and your darkest thoughts come back to knock you back under the waves again.
Simple little things make me so insecure and make me second guess everything I have ever done. Little things that shouldn't even bother someone bother me. I can't help but question myself. I can't suffer another fall to my face again. As much as I want to just reassure myself by popping another pill or smoking another blunt, I know that these things are only temporary. I don't put my reliance on these kinds of things, but the high I get from things is just as temporary as this depression that I constantly fight. These feelings are just temporary. Because life will eventually tell me where I am supposed to be. I will eventually find myself when I am older and able to help myself more than I am now.

But the biggest question I can ask myself at this point is
how fucking temporary are these feelings?