Sunshine

What am I living for?

Is this reality or my dream?

I end up on my knees most of the time

Just a way of hope and continuation

But when I wake up from this

Will I remember last night?

Or am I just walking in the same place?

I can pray and pray for things to go right

But what do I have when I lost my sunshine

My sunshine and only sunshine

To make me happy when my skies are grey

When I stand alone

Am I a statue

Or just a turtle on a highway?

Am I facing my reality
Or just a blurred line?

Our Obsessions

Please don’t talk to me
When I’m too gone to remember
Please don’t love me
I can’t talk all through November
It’s funny how an asset
Becomes a part of you
I can’t seem to love me alone
How will I love you?
How will I stop myself from falling apart?
When everything is gone
I’ll be alone in the cold
I don’t want to think about what it’s like
To smile and turn away
When I've inhaled too much
I don’t remember it again
And everything is spinning
When I don’t think at all
I won’t think of you
I won’t think of your smile
I’ll think of the green mile
I’ll think of my spoiled heart
Turned to a chunk of coal
My future rearranged and my smile as well
My drugs and alcohol
My dreams and eyeliner smears
My love
My want
My needs
My life in your hands!
My pieces left to break
And crack to a pile of ash…

Don't forget...

Lipstick

I hear cries in the dead of night

I know I always fail to listen

My legs give up

My hands will shake

And I know my cup is empty

Many missed calls

Many unread texts

Because I don’t want to face

The ruing of my childish days

You wonder why I don’t return

I can’t find the words

I can’t find the empathy

To tell you I’ll never hear your voice

I’ll mourn the day I hear you cry

But only under my deepest shadow

I won’t respond

I won’t come back

When I stain my book and farewell

I have remorse

But no remorse

To the nights I cry to sleep

Only because my tears are the only thing

To cradle me in my sorrows

Selfish

I feel energy run when I think

Darkness surrounding me

Foreplay of my finale

Thoughts confuse me

From multiple perceptions

I may be selfish, you say

But have I ever been?

A selfless life

A life of interrogation

But what has ever been to my benefit?

I think to myself

It may be okay to be selfish

Just for this once

Because it would be the first time

And it would be the last time

Reason

I know my reason

When I hear the birds of a fall breeze

The brisk wind kissing my body

It reminds me

Life is a beautiful canvas of perception

Just as reason is

Reason is beautiful

Perception is beautiful

Life is beautiful

Plastic

What’s it like

To be a mannequin?

Everything is perfect

In the world of plastic

Fine designer clothes

Fancy plastic hair

But what is a life

With no problem at all?

Is it wrong to enjoy

Life’s various problems?

Think of it this way

Rather live life

With a spice of drama

Than a flavorless fruit

On a colorless tree

Minuscule

Every time you strive for the kill

You end with the battle scars

It seems like a fire always loses its spark

In the rain of a broken heart

Serenity loves to play with my mind

I swear it almost devours me

But I’m out of money and care of the day

I’m a bug in the sap of a tree

Marathon

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! SMACK!

That alarm is going to be my worst enemy for the rest of my life but I know it’s also my best friend. It’s time to start the day again. The daily routine is screaming my name to get ready and I do, once again, not want to even see beyond my station for this morning. My work is exhausting, even though I don’t get paid. I have supplies to go off of before I go off every day so my health is never a problem, it’s just an all day, every day work. I stand up on the white premises and wipe my eyes. Everything is so freezing up here where I am. There is no one around, except for an occasional cargo-filled carrier. I’m dressed in a ton of blankets and I just hate striving to leave the comfort of my blankets. I reach over, grab my breakfast and suit up for the day. It’s going to be a long day like every one of them is, but I know that there is always a brighter side to this job. I stood up, grabbed my bag of belongings and prepared. I jumped off my temporary station and into the sky where I prepared to take my flight for the day. Everyone says that they would want to fly if they could, but it’s not always the greatest thing. Cloud Nine isn’t as great as it seems, either. Resting on a new cloud every night is like being a foster child being tossed from home to home every night and flying all day to realize you still have months to go is more frustrating. I’m soaring over the world, and no one can quite see me up here. Everyone just assumes it’s something other than a flying human. Not many know what I do and most wonder where I’ve gone. Just tell them I disappeared and I’m not coming back any time soon. Life is sweeter without the people of the world aside from those who hold a special place in your heart. High in the sky, no one wonders who you are or judges you because there is no one here. Even though this is a temporary flight for me, my life is pretty solitary for the time being. It’s a break from the cruel, cruel world. But these days will end and the months will too. The seconds will fly behind like smoke out of a fire pit, dissolve, and no longer be visible. At the end of this long flight I’ll be happy. I’ll travel my sorrow away and mine for my happiness if that’s what it takes. You may think that it’s not worth the time, the worry, the strength and energy, but there is always a present under every tree and a light to every blackened hallway. Flying halfway around the world seems bizarre to a simpleton, but to a lifeless, numb being, it’s a coping to a better life. My flight around this world will bring me to my life and my love. I’ll cherish the clouds I jump from night to night like a frog on a lily pad one day when I no longer hug a cloud to myself, but I hold you in my arms. They say there is a light at the end of every path and you are my light, my sunshine and my every day.

Good Night

I saved a spot for you, baby… Won’t be much longer and I’ll never have to worry about waking up or going to sleep alone… I still have your jumper to cuddle up to at night and the thought that keeps me going; that I will see you one day and never have to leave your side… Ten thousand miles could never compete with the love I have for you. Times are so hard, but I’ll be there soon. And whenever you’re upset, always remember who loves you… you’re right here with me in my arms.

Goodbye

Goodbye little, brown eyes
My sweet, majesty love
I'll rock you in my arms
But only in my grandest delusion
Don't cry for me, baby
Don't cry for me
Chin up for your brighter days
Here without me
Kisses to those nights
That you told me your love
But a kiss to my farewell
In my strenuous catastrophe
Seal your lips to the thought
That I never loved you
Because I remained in my coffin
Alive for you

Don't Speak A Word

Lost: Dark Paradise

I opened up Monday morning with this chill screaming through my bones. My eyes lit up as I gasped a bit from how cold I noticed it was. I stood up out of my bed and touched the floor and I thought I was stepping on the snow. The sheer cold pierced my feet and I felt my body trembling from the icy shards of carpet biting my feet. I walked to my closet and grabbed my blue and white jumper. Size "small", a small number eighty-six to my left shoulder, and 7 clasps down the center. I walked to the drawers of my dresser, grabbed a pair of socks and put on my grey sweatpants, put on my grey and black striped beanie, and slipped on my shoes. I crossed my arms to cradle my crying arms with the sharp shaven hairs standing up broadly like a pledge. I could see the breath exiting my mouth with flashbacks of me as a lad blowing out smoke and pretending I was some sort of ritual Japanese dragon. I only found an aura of light around my body and by the objects around me. Everything was black and white everywhere that I looked. The walls were black and the floors as well, but I could guide myself to walk through the little flares of lights. There was no color whatsoever. I looked in the mirror that was mounted on my dresser that I normally primp myself with my make-up and flat iron to see something that made me heart stop and a heat wave run through my body. In front of my face was this monster... staring back at me with a menacing glare. It grinned at me with teeth like Albion swords and eyes like the dark abysses of the ocean. Its body was color-filled like a normal human with a drained complexion and dark, shaded crevices. Its long black hair, matted and tangled, hanging below the shoulders. I stood at a stupefying image as I skim the arms of this evil thing in my mirror. I looked at the top of the shoulders and my eyes followed a trail of bladed cuts down the arm as they continued to get darker and darker progressing down the arms. The darkest was on the wrists and they screamed at me. I looked back to its eyes, still peering back, and back to the arms watching as the scars suddenly split open and spilled blood. I looked at the thing and yelled at it, "What are you doing?! Stop it!", but he just stopped and stared back at me with the same grinned look. Its eyes... they began tearing up... but not with tears of a normal human, but the blood of its own. The blood poured down its body as I turned my head. I couldn't look at it any longer. I opened my door and walked down my hallways. All the picture frames were empty with white sheets taking the place of the family portraits that were once present. I walked out into the kitchen, then out of my back door. I stepped out of my door to see a black sky with no stars or moon... just a black painted canvas. The ground was blackened just the same as the sky. It looked like the porch was floating atop the air. I looked around me and there were no people... no houses... no life. There were no trees around me like there normally were. It’s like I woke up in space; like I’ve kissed a dark aura. I walked onto my porch, looked up and screamed out, but I then noticed that I was making no noise. I was completely dumb. I didn’t know what I was to do now because I felt like I was alone again. That monster in the mirror… what was it? How could this evil exist? But I guess that I was experiencing the life that was beyond this planet, because positively, there is nothing like this on earth whatsoever. I could tell I was not on earth, but where was I?

Lost: The Prelude

I guess you could say today that I'm a loner. I feel extremely alienated and lonely and afar from what our world is. The world doesn't seem real right now and I am not here right now. I don't know when I will come back or if I will come back any time soon. Right now, my mind is so out of it... Nothing seems like it's real. It all feels like a lie and I feel numb to everything. I can't think straight and I can't find my way out. Everything is dark when I think. I feel like I've lost my way through all of the stress and the thoughts flooding my mind.

Afterlife

Where am I tonight when I lay down again? Am I still here or am I just lying on my deathbed? When my tears soak my pillow, they lie here and weep with me because I'm alone again and I know that I'm always alone. What is company and comfort? Are people really here or are they just silhouettes of our loneliness? Because when I close my eyes, I see the darkness. Is that darkness my death in it's finest form and I am, for my life, suffering in every breath and my body finally gives in when my breaths stop? Is every little breath a feeling of dying and loneliness and our bodies are suffering until our bodies reach of age or are taken by a black possession? Every time you close your eyes, your body travels into a black paradise... a world beyond our own comprehension. Our minds do not understand because we do not want to understand. We ignore the fact that when we close our eyes, we are dead; or at least we are in a state of numbness. A state of numbness, not to where we can not feel, but where we cannot see. In actuality, you can see. You see what we are after our lives are gone. My constant questioning, is it real?

Big White Room

My limbs are shaking cold. My eyes are wide ajar. Chills running through my body as I stare at my surrounding failures. Where am I? I'm in a subtle white room filled with little black dots. Some dots are bigger. Some are smaller but they speckle this room with a dalmatian look to it. Almost like paint splatters. It's freezing in this room. My legs are covered in little chill bumps and my thighs feel like they are being stabbed by a thousand little tiny needles. What is this place? All I remember is going to sleep and then I open my eyes and I'm here. All alone. No one but myself. I look around and notice the room has gotten smaller without my notice. The speckles are getting bigger. It feels like this room is closing in on me. Every time I blink I open my eyes and the dots are bigger. I feel like this room is getting smaller and smaller every time I blink.

A Message To The Phobic: Coming Out (Be Yourself)

We all start out as a little image of our parental guardian desires. We wear the clothes, suck the bottles, eat the food and learn the morals of the ones we see as parents. But when it comes to a desire of yourself, breaking free of the chains of out parents, what do you do? Are you supposed to tell your parents that you're different than their wanting? Are you supposed to hide? Are you really going to have to stand up, scream and shout, and rebel yourself against those that you love just to achieve the things that you want? In a lot of cases, our parents are the ones who will tie us down the most. You grow up to be the standards that they want to. You are taught not to question those of authority or the morals that you are taught. But what happens when you know that something is different about yourself than your parents?

You're starting to grow up now, and you are starting to notice something different. You are starting to see that you are not like the other kids at school. You don't like the clothes that all the other boys and/or girls are wearing. You don't like the things that you are taught from your parents and you don't like the way you are; the way you became a spitting image of what your parents want or expect. You notice that on the outside you are what everyone wants; your parents, your school, your town, society. But on the inside you are beginning to question what is really you.

What is you? Is it this thing you have become? Or is it what you're feeling inside?

You begin to beat yourself up because you're questioning. You're questioning what Mommy and Daddy told you and what all the kids at school told you. They told you not to do it, but you did it anyways. Now you're upset at yourself because you feel wrong for feeling like they're wrong. On the inside, you begin to feel like an outcast and you begin hating yourself more and more because you know this is not what they told you to be. They told you to be this, but you're not. Every night you go to bed, you start crying and getting angry at yourself because you feel dirty and filthy from what your desires are. You feel unclean to your raging hormones and the way your hands move on yourself by thinking of the people everyone told you not to. But the way it feels on the inside feels so right. You have these voices telling you to stop, but these other voices saying that this is what you really feel like. Everything starts rushing to your head and you release a strong breath and lay on the bed afterward in total disgust... "I promise to myself, this is the last time I will do it... I don't like this... I'll grow out of it... Tomorrow I won't do it again..." Tomorrow comes, and you do it again to repeat your promise to yourself along with the next day... and the next day... and the next day...

Why did God make me this way? Why would he make me into something that he hates? Why did he turn me into this disgusting monster that no one likes? Why does he love all the other children, but not me? Why did he make me this way when I had no control over it? Why does God hate me..?

After a few months of the constant bickering in your head you say to yourself, "I'm going to do something that I want to do for myself... just a small thing... and that's as far as I will go,". The next day you walk into school with your new persona. You walk in with a small change in yourself and you take a step into the school doors. You walk down the hallways to get to class and there is a group of people staring at you... they are all pointing and snickering talking to their friends about it. You can just tell. "I knew I shouldn't have done this,".

You go home from school and your parents see you in your new attire and they ask you to "come here". You knew that this was coming but you were hoping that you wouldn't. You walk up to your parents and they tell you that this kind of behavior was not acceptable and that you were to take off your new addition. You reply back in rage "What is wrong with being myself?!". Your parents then remove your self-expression and send you to your room with a "You are grounded for two weeks! And if I see this again, the consequences will be worse!" as you walk away with tears rolling down your face. You sit in your room and cry. You think about the same things again... Why does God hate me? Why do my parents hate me? What is wrong with me? I just want to be myself. As you lay crying that night, you realize that this is not wrong... this is not a choice.

It's about five years later now and you're looking in the mirror holding your picture up to my face from five years ago. Looking in the mirror, you don't see that little kid from years ago... you see this new person. You see a person that you have had inside of you this whole time. You hid them inside of you until you stepped up to the plate and made a decision for yourself. You said to yourself, "There is nothing wrong with this. I have always felt this way. I have always been this way and I'm not hiding anymore,".

You lay in bed tonight, not with the thoughts of disgust, but pleasure and a non-contentious laying with yourself. You think to yourself years ago and remember who you were then and who you wanted to be. You know that you became who you truly were... it wasn't a phase... it wasn't wrong.

It not about what everyone else wanted... it's about what you wanted. It's about who you are. It wasn't something you woke up and decided. You felt this way even since you were young. It's about standing up for what you believe in. Standing up and saying to yourself, "I'm going to and nothing is going to stop me,". You realized that this life is not about what other people want. It's about what you want to do with your life and how you want to live it. Those who hated you for it were never worth the time of day and those who truly love you accepted you. You moved on to greater people who truly accepted who you are. You are not filthy and you are not wrong for loving who you are and who you love.

After all,

"The only person you have to live with for the rest of your life is yourself."

A Split Being: Present Day Conflict

Getting called my birth name, to me, is like being understated and rewarded only for the things I achieved early in life (which was nothing). Becoming Baylor was a lot more different than anyone will ever understand. I was able to become myself and stop being a copy to my family traditions and social guidelines. Some people prefer to renew themselves through personal things that are not protruded through names, but I named myself as a goal set and a way of starting anew. Baylor was a revolution for myself. When I am called my birth name, I feel like I am back in that spot that I was when I was a child. I feel like my achievements disappear in a way. It's like calling a woman a little girl or a man a little boy... it's an understatement. Baylor is a warrior and a fighter and my born again self, and as that, I don't want to be called my birth name at all. Honestly, it's very disrespectful and hurtful to be called by my birth name. Especially to those of the people who know exactly why I changed my name. I should have to explain myself no further than just saying 'I don't want to be called by that' or that it's simply a nickname and people should call me by Baylor. But there is a lot more to it than people realize. Some say I'm a fool to have become Baylor Knight, but Baylor Knight is what I like to define as 'an individual warrior'.

Remedy

Catch me; I think I might break
I'm falling to my darkest time
There's no remedy to save me
No feelings to arouse me
I want to tell you how I feel
But you'll never understand
You'll never kiss me like I need
I can pray a thousand times
Just to control my savage heart
But I'll always hear the echo
Of a thousand endless beatings
I want to understand
I want to tell you how I feel
But when I wake up
I'm afraid I'll be alone again
You're all around me telling me
"Everything is going to be fine"
But I wish that I was dead
I wish I didn't have to feel this way
I wish I didn't have to make myself
To an unnatural high
Just to spill my blood and truth
Will you still be here when I'm all alone?
Am I still going to be a massacre
When I end my grungy nightmare?
Am I really what you thought I was?
Do you want the best version of me
Or do you want me?

Ajar Heart

My wrists won't ever forgive me
And neither will I
It's a burden to be living
When I can't see the light of day
Without my cigarette lit
To drown out my sorrows
I guess you could say I'm a zombie
Until I fulfill the dreams that I hunger for
It's not right to feel this way
It's like being tortured by your darkest dream
Starving for that compassion
Bleeding out for that feeling
The feeling of being needed
The feeling of mutual loyalty
I loathe the day that I pretend everything is fine
When I've gone too far
And I can't live my life the same
Because there is no second chance with life

Just Fine

Play my heart strings like a guitar
Say my name just like you always do
You know the way you do
If there's one thing sure
It's I love you
And I never want to leave your side
You know it's true

I can feel the dark and emptiness
But I can promise you that
Nothing's ever gonna change the way I feel
I can write a song or two
And sing it just for you- to hear
But loving you is better than I want it to ever be
I can say a million words
But nothing will ever tell you what you are to me

I chase away my darkest times
Just to see you smile
Those bright red cheeks that light right up
When you look at me
The freckles following your nose
Make me start to smile
To think about the worst I've done
You're worth every single mile

The way your tummy budges out
Makes me wanna scream
The way your hair hangs in your face
Makes my heart tear at the seams
You said, "you look perfect the way you are
you don't have to try"
But the way you are is beautiful
And I'd never tell a lie
I question myself all the time
Why you love me so
But you've got a way of telling me
That you'll never let me go

When I lay down to sleep tonight
I feel your arms surround me
Rocking me to sleep
Telling me that it's all going to be- just fine

Whitewashed Yarn

Opening the gifts
The cards, the packages, the stockings
Nothing was the same
Instead of a present
I got a little white ball of yarn
A ball of whitewashed yarn
I picked it up and fell to the floor
Then I looked to my hand
And saw the strings attached
To my palms in my hand
The ball kept rolling
And I kept running for it
I run for it now
To keep my sanity
But I wonder if this ball of yarn
Is my everlasting insanity
I just keep chasing it
Until the yarn is all gone
But it seems like it always keeps rolling
To a neverending stream
Rolling... rolling... rolling
Rolling... rolling... rolling

Stars in the Scars

Are the stars in the skies
Our memories together?
I wonder what a lie is
When I think about my scars
Because every time I did
I lied to myself
I said, "This is the last time"
"I want to keep living"
But I was a liar
I've always been a liar
But only to myself
I know I'm more lonely
Than the stars in the skies
And the scars on my arm
Because they all are a meaning
Loneliness
Longing for a purpose
We all are little scars
And we're all little stars

Questioning

I wonder all of the time what would happen if I died just now. Out of nowhere. I went in the bathroom, opened the cabinet, grabbed the pills, and overdosed while my grandmother was asleep. What would happen? When she woke up, she would go in expecting to brush her teeth, just to find her grandson lying on the floor dead. What would she do? Would she sit down and cry? Would she finally understand? Would she finally listened to everything I tried to tell her? Would she cry over my dead body, or would she pick up the phone first? What would my mom do when she arrived? Would she sit over my body and cry? Would it kill her to know that she failed to parent her child? Would she finally see how much she abused her child? Would she want me back? Would she finally have what she wanted? One less burden for her. Is that what she wanted? Did she want this for me? When they took me away, would she trail behind in tears and want me back? Would she ever sleep at night again? What about my siblings? What would they all do? My older brother. Would he finally love his 'faggot' brother? Would he finally regret bullying me? Would he finally hate himself for letting me go to school, get bullied, then come home and instead of support, get bullied by my blood? Would he finally open his eyes to the fact that he failed as a brother? What about my younger sister? Would she cry every night? Would she try to help my mom? Would she stay alone? Would she fend this world alone without me and like it? Would she rather it be this way? Would ALL of them want it this way?

Those 'friends'. What would they do? Mourn?
What about the internet 'friends'? How would they figure out I was dead? Nobody would ever know I was gone.

What would you do?
Would you cry?
Would you regret it?

Does someone really 'matter' until they are gone?

Would he finally see that I was a disaster? Would he finally see how much was going on? Would he finally understand that I'm a bitch? Would he find another and leave me behind to be nothing but a memory? Would he cry at night? Would he like that bitch finally being gone? Would he cry himself to sleep or would he sleep at all? Would he finally see what it's like without me? Would he like knowing that I was gone and not coming back? Would he say "I can finally be out of that situation, that was just exhausting me."? Would he say "I just didn't know how to tell him I didn't love him."? Would he talk about how much he loved me? Would he finally see that I wasn't worth the fighting? Would he finally see the worthlessness I felt? Would he ever see how I felt on the inside? Would he finally see my thoughts on an open platter? Would he finally see why nobody wants me? Would he finally see how useless, worthless, ignorant and frustrated I felt?

I don't see how anyone loves me. I don't see how these people stick around for me when I'm nothing. I know that. I feel that way. I don't know what's a lie and what's the truth. I don't know why I matter and why I still exist.

Tall, Tall Man

Tall, tall man
Who are you?
Standing in my back room
Creeping down my every move
Your eyes peer menacingly
They eat my feet for every step
Tall, tall man
Why are you here?
My ears can hear the rhythm of your heart
Thump, thump, thump, thump
That thump;
What a heart to a melody
Calling me home
Tall, tall man
Where did you come from?
You visit me to occurrence of a match
Ignition to a conflict
You haunt me to my fingertips
You nibble my nails
I guess it's why they aren't there
Tall, tall man
How did you get here?
You are from my darkest reverie
You lurk my days and nights
Never sleeping to crack my lids
Glaring to my perishing soul
I told you already to return
But I know you won't ever leave
You'll always be here
You made the bed and laid in it
Tall, tall man
Evil, evil man
Are you ever leaving?
I don't want my bloodshot sockets anymore
If I coin you a soul will you be gone?

Stay

I need you like a lyric and a rhyme
You're a blessed song in the purest winds
Whistling through the golden plains
You're a shining star in the darkest skies
You shine brighter in my life
Than the beam of the brightest suns
You're a beautiful angel with no wings to fly
Granted to protect my sillhouette
Seal my penetrated seams
To mutualize love amongst two
You're a mere charm to a box of condolances
A small reminder of hope
In an aviary of extinct doves
You are the hope to my brightest days
And the reason I stayed

A Split Being

The biggest problem I seem to have when it comes to dealing with my life is sensitivity and the raging amount of emotions I have. I know that most of these things come from my childhood and a past relationship and I have taken into acceptance of that, but the issue overall is dealing with all of stress and emotional build-up. Most things go unnoticed. Other things come out through self harm or through my physical body strength (lack of sleep, eating, etc.). The method that my mind chooses to work with most of the time is what most people consider 'bottling up your emotions'. Probably the most unhealthy, yet most common for me, way of dealing with your every day stress and the stress that you bag along with you throughout your life. What most people tend to overlook is that what happened in my childhood and what happened with the last boyfriend and everything else, it will never leave me. Developing a personality overtime that overlaps what you truly are is sickening and nerve-racking. I, for one, am a truly warm-hearted and sweet person (which came from my father). But over time, with raising myself since my mother would not do it and my father being deceased when I was 14 months of age, I began to grow cold-hearted and bitter toward the word. It was a shining armor; my weapon of defense and it kept me safe in some senses. It's like building up a wall so you won't get hurt. It's like a slug without a shell finding it's way into a shell. I had a soft and squishy body; practically defenseless to anyone. I was so loving and caring of others, it's like I didn't think I needed that. But when I met who was outside my fantasy world, I knew that I was walking on thin ice; a thin ice with gargantuan monsters lurking beneath it. I knew that if I fell that I was done for and that I was up for a rude awakening if I thought the rest of this world was as gentle and sweet as I was. I figured out the world was a biting cold winter while I was a warm gentle spring.
Growing aside my original copy was my darkest twin; I prefer to call him 'Josh'. Josh was a virus just as my mother was. Josh was a piece of my mother implanted into my soul. Josh was my evil side and my defense mechanism when it came to dealing with these things in life. Being so young and having two sides, I didn't realize it. I never knew that this villain was growing inside of me, but I knew later on in life when I figured out about my different sides that it was the reason that I contemplated everything. It was the reason that I could never remain stable for long. A pair of twins bickering back in forth inside of your mind or like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other one.
My original copy's name is what I prefer to call 'Voodoo'. Voodoo is my emotional side; my true self. Voodoo is the soft little slug without his shell. Voodoo is the little doll that everyone stabs with needles when they want some of their dirty work done.
Voodoo and Josh are two different worlds which is why they conflict all the time. The arguments between them are like World Wars in my mind. You have one person telling you one thing and one person telling you another. In all innocence, I was completely blind to notice these things going on. I never thought about the diversity of my mind until it got to an unbearable pain of maturity.
Whenever I was faced with growing up so quickly, I realized how fast my childhood was gone. With the abuse and the insults and the pain, time was gone in the blink of an eye. I couldn't catch it. I couldn't turn it back and make it up again. I had to make my life into something with what I was left with. I had to take what I was destined with and make the best of it.

Now, the biggest problem with having these two beings inside of me is fighting the headache and heartache. I'm so sensitive. I'm like a piece of glass. So easy to be shattered and never put back together. It's left me crazy. The smallest little things make Josh and my mother ring into my mind and tell me how useless I truly am. And I can't fight it when I believe it. I've heard it for so long and all I can do is accept that. I accept how useless my being is. "If you tell a lie for long enough, people begin to believe it." Pretty soon, things don't seem like a lie anymore. They become a belief system.
I wonder all the time what I'm gonna wake up to. "I'm sorry, Baylor, I can't do this anymore," is all I think about. Because I know that everyone is going to leave one way or another whether I want them to or not, or whether it's by their consent or not. Everyone will be gone one day. I feel like I push everyone away because I'm trembling in fear; I'm terrified. I'm terrified to be alone...
I want to be important. I don't want to hear it. I want to feel it. I want to know that I'm important. Not just important, but just as important as the other person is to me.
I get so attached so easily. It's the easiest thing to do for me. I don't want to and I don't try, but it happens because I'm so lonely. I'm so clingy and I fear everyday that everyone is going to leave me and I'm not going to be able to stop it. Do you know what it's like to feel so alone and so emotional and so sensitive that you can't even handle yourself. You can't understand yourself and why these things happen and why you can't be emotionally stable... because everyday you know that you're gonna be alone... that no one cares... that no one is going to be there to hold you.
I require so much attention because of all of this. And no one understands it. No one understand why I get so upset when I'm forgotten about or when they make the smallest mistake... I want to be important. And I want myself to be just as important as the other person is to me... but it's like I'm so emotional and clingy that I care more about the person I fall in love with than anyone; primarily myself. I don't care about myself. I care about my love. The person I love. And if I feel forgotten or alone, I never forget it... and I go into this state of depression and anger and agony and suicide. I want the feeling gone so badly that I can't contain it. I want to be able to brush things off like they don't matter, but I know that they do. They matter more than anything.
I want to be important... I want to be needed... but I know I'll never be either of those...