Inferior

This word to me has helped me to figure things out for myself. What exactly I'm seeking to explain is my ideas of myself to other people. Being inferior, as in, being lower in rank. Someone who is the opposite of superior.

To me, the ideas of superiority and inferiority have helped me to explain exactly what I seek in myself.

Being born a very vulnerable person and growing up in a very destructive household, being inferior was the complete norm for me. Almost too much of the norm for me, because it became an idea in my head. The idea that I would never be superior, to be above other people; which to me, it also meant that their judgment mattered more. My mom always taught me that it mattered what other people thought of me. My mom was always a slave to society. Being the norm to me was just who I was. But to others, I was weird and they didn't understand me. I have always dreamed of being the one who was superior; to have power and control. Because I have always been so afraid of my own person and of other people. I always saw myself as inferior, which still affects me. When I get insecure about things, I consider myself an inferior person and it makes me more angry with myself. I want to have the power because I know I can handle things with care. I hate being in the situation that I feel as if someone else is above me now, especially in relationships. It's been an issue to the point that I anger myself in random moments. I find myself the most inferior whenever I am having an insecure moment. And the reason I am having the insecure moment is because something triggers the fact in my mind that I am inferior.

I have found that it is one of my biggest fears... ever. And now that I have the words to figure this whole thing out, it may be one step closer to understanding my mind and taking it by the horns.

Not only that, this is an actual thing. So I'm not just insane.

(plot twist; yes I am actually just insane)

inferiority complex

n.

A persistent sense of inadequacy or a tendency to self-diminishment, sometimes resulting in excessive aggressiveness through overcompensation.

"How in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

What is something that you hate the most about yourself?

I ask myself this question a lot when it comes to... well anything.
The thing is, most of the time, I cannot point out one thing about myself that I hate the most. I look at my problems as a whole; simply because they make up who I am. I don't just hate one thing about myself, I hate most everything about myself underneath it all. My bit of confidence that I show in every day life is definitely not exactly what I am feeling. There is a part of me that feels confident and willing to move on with the next problem that life throws at me, but overall, my problems seem to consume me.

The possibility that there is always something better than me out there for people to deal with bothers me in particular. Feeling like my relationships are always going to fail simply because I cannot love myself makes things exhausting. I try to push these thoughts away most of the time, because I prefer not to even acknowledge that they are even there. Sometimes I feel they are only the dark voices in my head trying to haunt me again, but at the same time, I still believe them.

How can you love someone else when you cannot love yourself?

This particular saying bothers me too. Only because I strongly disagree with it. Ever since I was younger, I have hated who I was and most things about me. Because of the way I was raised and the amount of verbal abuse, I feel like I developed a different person; my negative side.

I have always been the type of person to live for other people. It's how things have always been put out to me. My mom always told me that I could not be who I wanted to be, so how was I supposed to get myself away from the mindset that I was never going to be good enough. Though this motivated me for a long time to keep going, it has come back to bite me in the ass in the end. I don't know how to love myself, but I know how to love other people.

I guess you could say that I do love myself but only to a certain extent. But loving other people was the only reason that I wanted to keep going. I wanted to find someone who was going to make me forget about those things. I wanted someone to make me love myself more and to hold me whenever things got bad. But I guess that's tough shit for me. Life itself showed me that that's not how things work around here.

“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
― RuPaul

As I quote RuPaul here, I question this more than most people do. Aside from the self-confidence and uplifting vibes of this quote, I question what it actually means. Other than just being a quote to help people become more confident in who they are, what does it actually mean?

It makes me wonder how in the hell I am going to love myself before other people.

I have tried for many years to help myself and to become more self confident but I find little success. The more I work on being who I am and loving who I am, the more I hate myself. At the end of the day when I am laying in the bed, who in the hell do I love? What is loving yourself, exactly? Because I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe this is just a teenage hormone thing like they all say but damn does it get exhausting trying to love yourself and your darkest thoughts come back to knock you back under the waves again.
Simple little things make me so insecure and make me second guess everything I have ever done. Little things that shouldn't even bother someone bother me. I can't help but question myself. I can't suffer another fall to my face again. As much as I want to just reassure myself by popping another pill or smoking another blunt, I know that these things are only temporary. I don't put my reliance on these kinds of things, but the high I get from things is just as temporary as this depression that I constantly fight. These feelings are just temporary. Because life will eventually tell me where I am supposed to be. I will eventually find myself when I am older and able to help myself more than I am now.

But the biggest question I can ask myself at this point is
how fucking temporary are these feelings?

Acceptance

Phone calls with family; majority of the time, a very degrading situation for me. Mostly because I don't feel like many people in my family really understand who I am. There is quite a big difference than their expectations of me and who I turned out to be. Does that mean I will stop being who I am? Of course not. I may say this particular topic does not bother me most of the time, but it actually does when I get to thinking about it. Most anyone (just admit it) wants the acceptance of their family, to a certain extent. I grew up alongside these people and they watched me grow into the person I am. But at the same time, I feel as if they are stuck on me as a kid, which makes me sad for them and myself. Especially to the ones in my family that actually support me (with household and monetary issues). I mourn the most over the fact that I feel like they love me as who I used to be; a sad and lost little kid. I don't want to be loved for my past self. I want to be loved for who I am. Yes, my past self is a part of me and always will be, don't get me wrong. But if I prefer to look past the things that I was born into (my name, initial image, family) to find myself and make myself into who I truly am, which is what I have worked for in myself over the past few years. The main point of my name change other than the fact that I just can not stand my given name was to work on creating MY image of who I truly am. Everyone was once a kid and everyone was once lost, but who we grow into be is the most important part. I want the acceptance of who I am, whether people understand who I am or not. People do not have to understand who I am. I don't expect everyone to. But the people who matter to me such as my family, I seek the acceptance of. I don't like being around people who cannot completely understand me, even though I deal with it a lot because I love my family.

Maybe some day, I will be able to make my family understand me more and love me for who I am. It's a goal for me, and always has been.

Another issue for me that this brings up is the fact that I never felt wanted when I was younger. I felt like a punching bag and it caused me to blame myself for a lot of the things that I shouldn't later on in life. Truthfully, it fucked me up in the head and made me have issues with who I am. Safe to say, most of the time, I can move past these things and it normally won't bother me. But there comes a time when we look into the things we are presented with. A little reminder of what issues you have. One of the only reasons I ever have an issue with myself is because other people have an issue with it (family mostly). That's why I choose to stay away a lot. I enjoy being around the people who truly make me feel wanted.

Triggers

I've been moping around my house for the entire day today. It has been miserably hot, so no need in drenching myself by trying to take a stroll, and there has been absolutely nothing for me to do (especially not something entertaining). Now you may think that this is just an average problem: boredom. But in my eyes, it's probably the darkest hell I could think of.

The reason why I dread days like this so much, particularly in the summer, is because this gives my mind the chance to wander off. Most of the time, I am able to keep my thoughts away to function on a daily basis. During the school year, I am able to occupy myself with school work most of the time. Keeping myself busy is the only way I can stop myself from getting lost in thought.

Whenever my mind takes a stroll rather than my physical body, I find my "bad side"; the worst parts about yourself that you hate the most and generally causes you to get depressed. Other than boredom being just boring, I see it as a more serious issue. Whenever I am able to think about the bad things in my mind, I spiral into it. I feel like I am sucked into a vortex. There feels like there is nothing you can do but suffer until it returns to the hidden parts of your mind that help you to get through every day.

I have tried the medications, recreational drugs, hobbies, but I don't think there will ever be a way to make it go away completely. Only to cover everything up to make it look okay, just like a fresh coat of make up. Your actual face is underneath those cosmetics, but we all try to carry ourselves manageable every day. We want to make people perceive us as classy. We want to all hide behind a silhouette of our imaginations. An image of okay.

Throughout the pacing of my house, I looked for pills, I searched for a bit of bud to smoke, or a slight glimpse of hope, but I was left only to an empty house to myself and a few cigarettes. The depression medicine they have prescribed me does not lend a hand at all it seems, considering I have been on it for a while now, so I am left mostly to street drugs and my own therapeutic methods of calming down. But not even writing or drawing can calm the many issues that rage in my brain. With ADD and Bipolar disorder running in my family and a very heavily-emotional heart, not even my hands can write down my feelings fast enough. I need an immediate escape. I want it gone as soon as I may catch a whiff of it coming along. Because I know this thing spreads like a virus. And I will pace until it is late enough for bed.

"There's no one to call, 'cause I'm just playing games with them all. The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone. 'Cause I spend every hour just going through the motion, I can't even get the emotion to come out."

I find myself drawn to these lyrics of Rihanna's song, "What Now". I used to cradle myself in my own arms weeping to these lyrics because I deeply felt them. Every time I am upset, all I want to do is call someone. But I end with scrolling through my entire contact list in my phone and calling no one, and at the end of it all, I'm always saying that I am fine and swearing up and down to myself and others that things are just fine but I sadly I can only get past tricking myself into thinking it temporarily. My anxiety eventually returns. And it never leaves. It's something that we all cover up, but it still sleeps in our bones. Most of all, when I'm angry or upset about something, I find it difficult to lash out or to not lash out. As much as I want to just take a blade and cut myself open like I used to, I can't bring myself to do it anymore. But I don't know what's better; harming myself physically or letting it eat away at my mind until it's fried to a crisp. I debate a solution every step I take when I walk through the house.
I just want an escape.

I think we are all slaves of social happiness. But what more can you do than just take another pill to be okay again?

Squirrel Portraits

Saw the cutest squirrel sitting on my swing outside of my window today. Took a few portraits that I thought turned out great.

Late Night Thinking: Stay Trippy

I'm the kid walking into class with a bleached scalp and a ring of black. Precisely, very misunderstood and mistaken; immediately shocking and out of the ordinary. I find myself more interesting than I do most of the school work I waste my time with. I want to travel to the very depths of my mind and find every dark secret I have locked in the back of my head. People do say that we have a third eye, and it's the one we can't visually see, but the eye we see with inside of our head; our sixth sense. I wonder what my mind holds behind these walls and I wonder how close I have come to it and how much it takes to get to the other side. I really would want to find myself and who I am supposed to be than just have fun. This life is mine and I don't want to waste myself away, but things become so challenging when you are left alone with a stolen heart. I feel like I let it go a long time ago and I don't know how it's possible just to come back to me. I don't know where it may be and I don't know where I am inside myself. I don't know what I want to be in my life. I don't know who I want to be with. I question my gender and what I was supposed to be. I wonder what the fuck I actually am supposed to be because things like this are just so confusing. I'm only sixteen but this body just feels so much older. My back is aching half of the time and substitute my pain in my lungs. I found that I like hurting myself more than anything because I feel so much blame. That I just haven't done the right thing all of this time. I feel so lost without having someone telling me how important I am every day. And even if someone told me now, I would never believe it. I won't accept love. I won't fall again and hurt myself like I did before. How do you just get over something like that. When you love someone so much and you rely on them more than you do yourself to wake up. I didn't know where to turn with my life and I feared being alone. But I don't want anyone else. I don't want to let anyone else in. I want to be different. I want to find an outlet of this pain and make my mind understand me how I need to. But the biggest question I have, is where the fuck do I even start? Sometimes my mind is my worst enemy and sometimes it's my best friend. Sometimes I feel blessed and sometimes I feel cursed. I want to keep breathing but I just want to find my purpose.

Late Night Thinking: Stability

I found that over the years of learning about myself that I dread the nights in my bed the most. The nights that I am sober-minded and lonely to every insecurity that my mind has to offer. I find that I am my own worst enemy and that my mind is a slow-eating parasite. I wonder all the time what it would be like to actually be alone with no one and how my mind would adjust. If I was the last person on earth, just like my mind seems to imply at times, would I be dreaming of having someone, or would I just be so used to the feeling of loneliness that I would not need anyone else? I question my strength and what life is about. If life is about living for yourself, then how I am to go on with myself when I can't surpass a day without the constant anxiety eating at my heart strings? When people tell me that I am a strong person, and the times where I call myself a strong person, I seem to second guess my confidence and self-reliance when I lay in bed at night. I remind myself of the things I've done wrong, and the things that the future holds. I remind myself of the people who have left me, and I cling to the things that I wish I had. How strong am I? Am I as strong as I put myself out to be and how other people perceive me? Or am I just as much of a follower of this mind set that I am strong to a degree of vulnerability? We, as people, rely on others just as much as we rely on the breaths we take. Would our minds consume us in our solitary ways or would things be seemingly okay because we have learned that behavior? But the thing I question the most about myself is where I would be without the influence of urban society and what our true needs are in this world. What is the borderline of our physical bodily needs to the needs of our minds?