The biggest problem I seem to have when it comes to dealing with my life is sensitivity and the raging amount of emotions I have. I know that most of these things come from my childhood and a past relationship and I have taken into acceptance of that, but the issue overall is dealing with all of stress and emotional build-up. Most things go unnoticed. Other things come out through self harm or through my physical body strength (lack of sleep, eating, etc.). The method that my mind chooses to work with most of the time is what most people consider 'bottling up your emotions'. Probably the most unhealthy, yet most common for me, way of dealing with your every day stress and the stress that you bag along with you throughout your life. What most people tend to overlook is that what happened in my childhood and what happened with the last boyfriend and everything else, it will never leave me. Developing a personality overtime that overlaps what you truly are is sickening and nerve-racking. I, for one, am a truly warm-hearted and sweet person (which came from my father). But over time, with raising myself since my mother would not do it and my father being deceased when I was 14 months of age, I began to grow cold-hearted and bitter toward the word. It was a shining armor; my weapon of defense and it kept me safe in some senses. It's like building up a wall so you won't get hurt. It's like a slug without a shell finding it's way into a shell. I had a soft and squishy body; practically defenseless to anyone. I was so loving and caring of others, it's like I didn't think I needed that. But when I met who was outside my fantasy world, I knew that I was walking on thin ice; a thin ice with gargantuan monsters lurking beneath it. I knew that if I fell that I was done for and that I was up for a rude awakening if I thought the rest of this world was as gentle and sweet as I was. I figured out the world was a biting cold winter while I was a warm gentle spring.
Growing aside my original copy was my darkest twin; I prefer to call him 'Josh'. Josh was a virus just as my mother was. Josh was a piece of my mother implanted into my soul. Josh was my evil side and my defense mechanism when it came to dealing with these things in life. Being so young and having two sides, I didn't realize it. I never knew that this villain was growing inside of me, but I knew later on in life when I figured out about my different sides that it was the reason that I contemplated everything. It was the reason that I could never remain stable for long. A pair of twins bickering back in forth inside of your mind or like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other one.
My original copy's name is what I prefer to call 'Voodoo'. Voodoo is my emotional side; my true self. Voodoo is the soft little slug without his shell. Voodoo is the little doll that everyone stabs with needles when they want some of their dirty work done.
Voodoo and Josh are two different worlds which is why they conflict all the time. The arguments between them are like World Wars in my mind. You have one person telling you one thing and one person telling you another. In all innocence, I was completely blind to notice these things going on. I never thought about the diversity of my mind until it got to an unbearable pain of maturity.
Whenever I was faced with growing up so quickly, I realized how fast my childhood was gone. With the abuse and the insults and the pain, time was gone in the blink of an eye. I couldn't catch it. I couldn't turn it back and make it up again. I had to make my life into something with what I was left with. I had to take what I was destined with and make the best of it.
Now, the biggest problem with having these two beings inside of me is fighting the headache and heartache. I'm so sensitive. I'm like a piece of glass. So easy to be shattered and never put back together. It's left me crazy. The smallest little things make Josh and my mother ring into my mind and tell me how useless I truly am. And I can't fight it when I believe it. I've heard it for so long and all I can do is accept that. I accept how useless my being is. "If you tell a lie for long enough, people begin to believe it." Pretty soon, things don't seem like a lie anymore. They become a belief system.
I wonder all the time what I'm gonna wake up to. "I'm sorry, Baylor, I can't do this anymore," is all I think about. Because I know that everyone is going to leave one way or another whether I want them to or not, or whether it's by their consent or not. Everyone will be gone one day. I feel like I push everyone away because I'm trembling in fear; I'm terrified. I'm terrified to be alone...
I want to be important. I don't want to hear it. I want to feel it. I want to know that I'm important. Not just important, but just as important as the other person is to me.
I get so attached so easily. It's the easiest thing to do for me. I don't want to and I don't try, but it happens because I'm so lonely. I'm so clingy and I fear everyday that everyone is going to leave me and I'm not going to be able to stop it. Do you know what it's like to feel so alone and so emotional and so sensitive that you can't even handle yourself. You can't understand yourself and why these things happen and why you can't be emotionally stable... because everyday you know that you're gonna be alone... that no one cares... that no one is going to be there to hold you.
I require so much attention because of all of this. And no one understands it. No one understand why I get so upset when I'm forgotten about or when they make the smallest mistake... I want to be important. And I want myself to be just as important as the other person is to me... but it's like I'm so emotional and clingy that I care more about the person I fall in love with than anyone; primarily myself. I don't care about myself. I care about my love. The person I love. And if I feel forgotten or alone, I never forget it... and I go into this state of depression and anger and agony and suicide. I want the feeling gone so badly that I can't contain it. I want to be able to brush things off like they don't matter, but I know that they do. They matter more than anything.
I want to be important... I want to be needed... but I know I'll never be either of those...
