Late Night Thinking: Stay Trippy

I'm the kid walking into class with a bleached scalp and a ring of black. Precisely, very misunderstood and mistaken; immediately shocking and out of the ordinary. I find myself more interesting than I do most of the school work I waste my time with. I want to travel to the very depths of my mind and find every dark secret I have locked in the back of my head. People do say that we have a third eye, and it's the one we can't visually see, but the eye we see with inside of our head; our sixth sense. I wonder what my mind holds behind these walls and I wonder how close I have come to it and how much it takes to get to the other side. I really would want to find myself and who I am supposed to be than just have fun. This life is mine and I don't want to waste myself away, but things become so challenging when you are left alone with a stolen heart. I feel like I let it go a long time ago and I don't know how it's possible just to come back to me. I don't know where it may be and I don't know where I am inside myself. I don't know what I want to be in my life. I don't know who I want to be with. I question my gender and what I was supposed to be. I wonder what the fuck I actually am supposed to be because things like this are just so confusing. I'm only sixteen but this body just feels so much older. My back is aching half of the time and substitute my pain in my lungs. I found that I like hurting myself more than anything because I feel so much blame. That I just haven't done the right thing all of this time. I feel so lost without having someone telling me how important I am every day. And even if someone told me now, I would never believe it. I won't accept love. I won't fall again and hurt myself like I did before. How do you just get over something like that. When you love someone so much and you rely on them more than you do yourself to wake up. I didn't know where to turn with my life and I feared being alone. But I don't want anyone else. I don't want to let anyone else in. I want to be different. I want to find an outlet of this pain and make my mind understand me how I need to. But the biggest question I have, is where the fuck do I even start? Sometimes my mind is my worst enemy and sometimes it's my best friend. Sometimes I feel blessed and sometimes I feel cursed. I want to keep breathing but I just want to find my purpose.

Late Night Thinking: Stability

I found that over the years of learning about myself that I dread the nights in my bed the most. The nights that I am sober-minded and lonely to every insecurity that my mind has to offer. I find that I am my own worst enemy and that my mind is a slow-eating parasite. I wonder all the time what it would be like to actually be alone with no one and how my mind would adjust. If I was the last person on earth, just like my mind seems to imply at times, would I be dreaming of having someone, or would I just be so used to the feeling of loneliness that I would not need anyone else? I question my strength and what life is about. If life is about living for yourself, then how I am to go on with myself when I can't surpass a day without the constant anxiety eating at my heart strings? When people tell me that I am a strong person, and the times where I call myself a strong person, I seem to second guess my confidence and self-reliance when I lay in bed at night. I remind myself of the things I've done wrong, and the things that the future holds. I remind myself of the people who have left me, and I cling to the things that I wish I had. How strong am I? Am I as strong as I put myself out to be and how other people perceive me? Or am I just as much of a follower of this mind set that I am strong to a degree of vulnerability? We, as people, rely on others just as much as we rely on the breaths we take. Would our minds consume us in our solitary ways or would things be seemingly okay because we have learned that behavior? But the thing I question the most about myself is where I would be without the influence of urban society and what our true needs are in this world. What is the borderline of our physical bodily needs to the needs of our minds?