Lost: The Prelude

I guess you could say today that I'm a loner. I feel extremely alienated and lonely and afar from what our world is. The world doesn't seem real right now and I am not here right now. I don't know when I will come back or if I will come back any time soon. Right now, my mind is so out of it... Nothing seems like it's real. It all feels like a lie and I feel numb to everything. I can't think straight and I can't find my way out. Everything is dark when I think. I feel like I've lost my way through all of the stress and the thoughts flooding my mind.

Afterlife

Where am I tonight when I lay down again? Am I still here or am I just lying on my deathbed? When my tears soak my pillow, they lie here and weep with me because I'm alone again and I know that I'm always alone. What is company and comfort? Are people really here or are they just silhouettes of our loneliness? Because when I close my eyes, I see the darkness. Is that darkness my death in it's finest form and I am, for my life, suffering in every breath and my body finally gives in when my breaths stop? Is every little breath a feeling of dying and loneliness and our bodies are suffering until our bodies reach of age or are taken by a black possession? Every time you close your eyes, your body travels into a black paradise... a world beyond our own comprehension. Our minds do not understand because we do not want to understand. We ignore the fact that when we close our eyes, we are dead; or at least we are in a state of numbness. A state of numbness, not to where we can not feel, but where we cannot see. In actuality, you can see. You see what we are after our lives are gone. My constant questioning, is it real?

Big White Room

My limbs are shaking cold. My eyes are wide ajar. Chills running through my body as I stare at my surrounding failures. Where am I? I'm in a subtle white room filled with little black dots. Some dots are bigger. Some are smaller but they speckle this room with a dalmatian look to it. Almost like paint splatters. It's freezing in this room. My legs are covered in little chill bumps and my thighs feel like they are being stabbed by a thousand little tiny needles. What is this place? All I remember is going to sleep and then I open my eyes and I'm here. All alone. No one but myself. I look around and notice the room has gotten smaller without my notice. The speckles are getting bigger. It feels like this room is closing in on me. Every time I blink I open my eyes and the dots are bigger. I feel like this room is getting smaller and smaller every time I blink.

A Message To The Phobic: Coming Out (Be Yourself)

We all start out as a little image of our parental guardian desires. We wear the clothes, suck the bottles, eat the food and learn the morals of the ones we see as parents. But when it comes to a desire of yourself, breaking free of the chains of out parents, what do you do? Are you supposed to tell your parents that you're different than their wanting? Are you supposed to hide? Are you really going to have to stand up, scream and shout, and rebel yourself against those that you love just to achieve the things that you want? In a lot of cases, our parents are the ones who will tie us down the most. You grow up to be the standards that they want to. You are taught not to question those of authority or the morals that you are taught. But what happens when you know that something is different about yourself than your parents?

You're starting to grow up now, and you are starting to notice something different. You are starting to see that you are not like the other kids at school. You don't like the clothes that all the other boys and/or girls are wearing. You don't like the things that you are taught from your parents and you don't like the way you are; the way you became a spitting image of what your parents want or expect. You notice that on the outside you are what everyone wants; your parents, your school, your town, society. But on the inside you are beginning to question what is really you.

What is you? Is it this thing you have become? Or is it what you're feeling inside?

You begin to beat yourself up because you're questioning. You're questioning what Mommy and Daddy told you and what all the kids at school told you. They told you not to do it, but you did it anyways. Now you're upset at yourself because you feel wrong for feeling like they're wrong. On the inside, you begin to feel like an outcast and you begin hating yourself more and more because you know this is not what they told you to be. They told you to be this, but you're not. Every night you go to bed, you start crying and getting angry at yourself because you feel dirty and filthy from what your desires are. You feel unclean to your raging hormones and the way your hands move on yourself by thinking of the people everyone told you not to. But the way it feels on the inside feels so right. You have these voices telling you to stop, but these other voices saying that this is what you really feel like. Everything starts rushing to your head and you release a strong breath and lay on the bed afterward in total disgust... "I promise to myself, this is the last time I will do it... I don't like this... I'll grow out of it... Tomorrow I won't do it again..." Tomorrow comes, and you do it again to repeat your promise to yourself along with the next day... and the next day... and the next day...

Why did God make me this way? Why would he make me into something that he hates? Why did he turn me into this disgusting monster that no one likes? Why does he love all the other children, but not me? Why did he make me this way when I had no control over it? Why does God hate me..?

After a few months of the constant bickering in your head you say to yourself, "I'm going to do something that I want to do for myself... just a small thing... and that's as far as I will go,". The next day you walk into school with your new persona. You walk in with a small change in yourself and you take a step into the school doors. You walk down the hallways to get to class and there is a group of people staring at you... they are all pointing and snickering talking to their friends about it. You can just tell. "I knew I shouldn't have done this,".

You go home from school and your parents see you in your new attire and they ask you to "come here". You knew that this was coming but you were hoping that you wouldn't. You walk up to your parents and they tell you that this kind of behavior was not acceptable and that you were to take off your new addition. You reply back in rage "What is wrong with being myself?!". Your parents then remove your self-expression and send you to your room with a "You are grounded for two weeks! And if I see this again, the consequences will be worse!" as you walk away with tears rolling down your face. You sit in your room and cry. You think about the same things again... Why does God hate me? Why do my parents hate me? What is wrong with me? I just want to be myself. As you lay crying that night, you realize that this is not wrong... this is not a choice.

It's about five years later now and you're looking in the mirror holding your picture up to my face from five years ago. Looking in the mirror, you don't see that little kid from years ago... you see this new person. You see a person that you have had inside of you this whole time. You hid them inside of you until you stepped up to the plate and made a decision for yourself. You said to yourself, "There is nothing wrong with this. I have always felt this way. I have always been this way and I'm not hiding anymore,".

You lay in bed tonight, not with the thoughts of disgust, but pleasure and a non-contentious laying with yourself. You think to yourself years ago and remember who you were then and who you wanted to be. You know that you became who you truly were... it wasn't a phase... it wasn't wrong.

It not about what everyone else wanted... it's about what you wanted. It's about who you are. It wasn't something you woke up and decided. You felt this way even since you were young. It's about standing up for what you believe in. Standing up and saying to yourself, "I'm going to and nothing is going to stop me,". You realized that this life is not about what other people want. It's about what you want to do with your life and how you want to live it. Those who hated you for it were never worth the time of day and those who truly love you accepted you. You moved on to greater people who truly accepted who you are. You are not filthy and you are not wrong for loving who you are and who you love.

After all,

"The only person you have to live with for the rest of your life is yourself."

A Split Being: Present Day Conflict

Getting called my birth name, to me, is like being understated and rewarded only for the things I achieved early in life (which was nothing). Becoming Baylor was a lot more different than anyone will ever understand. I was able to become myself and stop being a copy to my family traditions and social guidelines. Some people prefer to renew themselves through personal things that are not protruded through names, but I named myself as a goal set and a way of starting anew. Baylor was a revolution for myself. When I am called my birth name, I feel like I am back in that spot that I was when I was a child. I feel like my achievements disappear in a way. It's like calling a woman a little girl or a man a little boy... it's an understatement. Baylor is a warrior and a fighter and my born again self, and as that, I don't want to be called my birth name at all. Honestly, it's very disrespectful and hurtful to be called by my birth name. Especially to those of the people who know exactly why I changed my name. I should have to explain myself no further than just saying 'I don't want to be called by that' or that it's simply a nickname and people should call me by Baylor. But there is a lot more to it than people realize. Some say I'm a fool to have become Baylor Knight, but Baylor Knight is what I like to define as 'an individual warrior'.

Remedy

Catch me; I think I might break
I'm falling to my darkest time
There's no remedy to save me
No feelings to arouse me
I want to tell you how I feel
But you'll never understand
You'll never kiss me like I need
I can pray a thousand times
Just to control my savage heart
But I'll always hear the echo
Of a thousand endless beatings
I want to understand
I want to tell you how I feel
But when I wake up
I'm afraid I'll be alone again
You're all around me telling me
"Everything is going to be fine"
But I wish that I was dead
I wish I didn't have to feel this way
I wish I didn't have to make myself
To an unnatural high
Just to spill my blood and truth
Will you still be here when I'm all alone?
Am I still going to be a massacre
When I end my grungy nightmare?
Am I really what you thought I was?
Do you want the best version of me
Or do you want me?

Ajar Heart

My wrists won't ever forgive me
And neither will I
It's a burden to be living
When I can't see the light of day
Without my cigarette lit
To drown out my sorrows
I guess you could say I'm a zombie
Until I fulfill the dreams that I hunger for
It's not right to feel this way
It's like being tortured by your darkest dream
Starving for that compassion
Bleeding out for that feeling
The feeling of being needed
The feeling of mutual loyalty
I loathe the day that I pretend everything is fine
When I've gone too far
And I can't live my life the same
Because there is no second chance with life