Just Fine

Play my heart strings like a guitar
Say my name just like you always do
You know the way you do
If there's one thing sure
It's I love you
And I never want to leave your side
You know it's true

I can feel the dark and emptiness
But I can promise you that
Nothing's ever gonna change the way I feel
I can write a song or two
And sing it just for you- to hear
But loving you is better than I want it to ever be
I can say a million words
But nothing will ever tell you what you are to me

I chase away my darkest times
Just to see you smile
Those bright red cheeks that light right up
When you look at me
The freckles following your nose
Make me start to smile
To think about the worst I've done
You're worth every single mile

The way your tummy budges out
Makes me wanna scream
The way your hair hangs in your face
Makes my heart tear at the seams
You said, "you look perfect the way you are
you don't have to try"
But the way you are is beautiful
And I'd never tell a lie
I question myself all the time
Why you love me so
But you've got a way of telling me
That you'll never let me go

When I lay down to sleep tonight
I feel your arms surround me
Rocking me to sleep
Telling me that it's all going to be- just fine

Whitewashed Yarn

Opening the gifts
The cards, the packages, the stockings
Nothing was the same
Instead of a present
I got a little white ball of yarn
A ball of whitewashed yarn
I picked it up and fell to the floor
Then I looked to my hand
And saw the strings attached
To my palms in my hand
The ball kept rolling
And I kept running for it
I run for it now
To keep my sanity
But I wonder if this ball of yarn
Is my everlasting insanity
I just keep chasing it
Until the yarn is all gone
But it seems like it always keeps rolling
To a neverending stream
Rolling... rolling... rolling
Rolling... rolling... rolling

Stars in the Scars

Are the stars in the skies
Our memories together?
I wonder what a lie is
When I think about my scars
Because every time I did
I lied to myself
I said, "This is the last time"
"I want to keep living"
But I was a liar
I've always been a liar
But only to myself
I know I'm more lonely
Than the stars in the skies
And the scars on my arm
Because they all are a meaning
Loneliness
Longing for a purpose
We all are little scars
And we're all little stars

Questioning

I wonder all of the time what would happen if I died just now. Out of nowhere. I went in the bathroom, opened the cabinet, grabbed the pills, and overdosed while my grandmother was asleep. What would happen? When she woke up, she would go in expecting to brush her teeth, just to find her grandson lying on the floor dead. What would she do? Would she sit down and cry? Would she finally understand? Would she finally listened to everything I tried to tell her? Would she cry over my dead body, or would she pick up the phone first? What would my mom do when she arrived? Would she sit over my body and cry? Would it kill her to know that she failed to parent her child? Would she finally see how much she abused her child? Would she want me back? Would she finally have what she wanted? One less burden for her. Is that what she wanted? Did she want this for me? When they took me away, would she trail behind in tears and want me back? Would she ever sleep at night again? What about my siblings? What would they all do? My older brother. Would he finally love his 'faggot' brother? Would he finally regret bullying me? Would he finally hate himself for letting me go to school, get bullied, then come home and instead of support, get bullied by my blood? Would he finally open his eyes to the fact that he failed as a brother? What about my younger sister? Would she cry every night? Would she try to help my mom? Would she stay alone? Would she fend this world alone without me and like it? Would she rather it be this way? Would ALL of them want it this way?

Those 'friends'. What would they do? Mourn?
What about the internet 'friends'? How would they figure out I was dead? Nobody would ever know I was gone.

What would you do?
Would you cry?
Would you regret it?

Does someone really 'matter' until they are gone?

Would he finally see that I was a disaster? Would he finally see how much was going on? Would he finally understand that I'm a bitch? Would he find another and leave me behind to be nothing but a memory? Would he cry at night? Would he like that bitch finally being gone? Would he cry himself to sleep or would he sleep at all? Would he finally see what it's like without me? Would he like knowing that I was gone and not coming back? Would he say "I can finally be out of that situation, that was just exhausting me."? Would he say "I just didn't know how to tell him I didn't love him."? Would he talk about how much he loved me? Would he finally see that I wasn't worth the fighting? Would he finally see the worthlessness I felt? Would he ever see how I felt on the inside? Would he finally see my thoughts on an open platter? Would he finally see why nobody wants me? Would he finally see how useless, worthless, ignorant and frustrated I felt?

I don't see how anyone loves me. I don't see how these people stick around for me when I'm nothing. I know that. I feel that way. I don't know what's a lie and what's the truth. I don't know why I matter and why I still exist.

Tall, Tall Man

Tall, tall man
Who are you?
Standing in my back room
Creeping down my every move
Your eyes peer menacingly
They eat my feet for every step
Tall, tall man
Why are you here?
My ears can hear the rhythm of your heart
Thump, thump, thump, thump
That thump;
What a heart to a melody
Calling me home
Tall, tall man
Where did you come from?
You visit me to occurrence of a match
Ignition to a conflict
You haunt me to my fingertips
You nibble my nails
I guess it's why they aren't there
Tall, tall man
How did you get here?
You are from my darkest reverie
You lurk my days and nights
Never sleeping to crack my lids
Glaring to my perishing soul
I told you already to return
But I know you won't ever leave
You'll always be here
You made the bed and laid in it
Tall, tall man
Evil, evil man
Are you ever leaving?
I don't want my bloodshot sockets anymore
If I coin you a soul will you be gone?

Stay

I need you like a lyric and a rhyme
You're a blessed song in the purest winds
Whistling through the golden plains
You're a shining star in the darkest skies
You shine brighter in my life
Than the beam of the brightest suns
You're a beautiful angel with no wings to fly
Granted to protect my sillhouette
Seal my penetrated seams
To mutualize love amongst two
You're a mere charm to a box of condolances
A small reminder of hope
In an aviary of extinct doves
You are the hope to my brightest days
And the reason I stayed