Triggers

I've been moping around my house for the entire day today. It has been miserably hot, so no need in drenching myself by trying to take a stroll, and there has been absolutely nothing for me to do (especially not something entertaining). Now you may think that this is just an average problem: boredom. But in my eyes, it's probably the darkest hell I could think of.

The reason why I dread days like this so much, particularly in the summer, is because this gives my mind the chance to wander off. Most of the time, I am able to keep my thoughts away to function on a daily basis. During the school year, I am able to occupy myself with school work most of the time. Keeping myself busy is the only way I can stop myself from getting lost in thought.

Whenever my mind takes a stroll rather than my physical body, I find my "bad side"; the worst parts about yourself that you hate the most and generally causes you to get depressed. Other than boredom being just boring, I see it as a more serious issue. Whenever I am able to think about the bad things in my mind, I spiral into it. I feel like I am sucked into a vortex. There feels like there is nothing you can do but suffer until it returns to the hidden parts of your mind that help you to get through every day.

I have tried the medications, recreational drugs, hobbies, but I don't think there will ever be a way to make it go away completely. Only to cover everything up to make it look okay, just like a fresh coat of make up. Your actual face is underneath those cosmetics, but we all try to carry ourselves manageable every day. We want to make people perceive us as classy. We want to all hide behind a silhouette of our imaginations. An image of okay.

Throughout the pacing of my house, I looked for pills, I searched for a bit of bud to smoke, or a slight glimpse of hope, but I was left only to an empty house to myself and a few cigarettes. The depression medicine they have prescribed me does not lend a hand at all it seems, considering I have been on it for a while now, so I am left mostly to street drugs and my own therapeutic methods of calming down. But not even writing or drawing can calm the many issues that rage in my brain. With ADD and Bipolar disorder running in my family and a very heavily-emotional heart, not even my hands can write down my feelings fast enough. I need an immediate escape. I want it gone as soon as I may catch a whiff of it coming along. Because I know this thing spreads like a virus. And I will pace until it is late enough for bed.

"There's no one to call, 'cause I'm just playing games with them all. The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone. 'Cause I spend every hour just going through the motion, I can't even get the emotion to come out."

I find myself drawn to these lyrics of Rihanna's song, "What Now". I used to cradle myself in my own arms weeping to these lyrics because I deeply felt them. Every time I am upset, all I want to do is call someone. But I end with scrolling through my entire contact list in my phone and calling no one, and at the end of it all, I'm always saying that I am fine and swearing up and down to myself and others that things are just fine but I sadly I can only get past tricking myself into thinking it temporarily. My anxiety eventually returns. And it never leaves. It's something that we all cover up, but it still sleeps in our bones. Most of all, when I'm angry or upset about something, I find it difficult to lash out or to not lash out. As much as I want to just take a blade and cut myself open like I used to, I can't bring myself to do it anymore. But I don't know what's better; harming myself physically or letting it eat away at my mind until it's fried to a crisp. I debate a solution every step I take when I walk through the house.
I just want an escape.

I think we are all slaves of social happiness. But what more can you do than just take another pill to be okay again?

Squirrel Portraits

Saw the cutest squirrel sitting on my swing outside of my window today. Took a few portraits that I thought turned out great.