Triggers

I've been moping around my house for the entire day today. It has been miserably hot, so no need in drenching myself by trying to take a stroll, and there has been absolutely nothing for me to do (especially not something entertaining). Now you may think that this is just an average problem: boredom. But in my eyes, it's probably the darkest hell I could think of.

The reason why I dread days like this so much, particularly in the summer, is because this gives my mind the chance to wander off. Most of the time, I am able to keep my thoughts away to function on a daily basis. During the school year, I am able to occupy myself with school work most of the time. Keeping myself busy is the only way I can stop myself from getting lost in thought.

Whenever my mind takes a stroll rather than my physical body, I find my "bad side"; the worst parts about yourself that you hate the most and generally causes you to get depressed. Other than boredom being just boring, I see it as a more serious issue. Whenever I am able to think about the bad things in my mind, I spiral into it. I feel like I am sucked into a vortex. There feels like there is nothing you can do but suffer until it returns to the hidden parts of your mind that help you to get through every day.

I have tried the medications, recreational drugs, hobbies, but I don't think there will ever be a way to make it go away completely. Only to cover everything up to make it look okay, just like a fresh coat of make up. Your actual face is underneath those cosmetics, but we all try to carry ourselves manageable every day. We want to make people perceive us as classy. We want to all hide behind a silhouette of our imaginations. An image of okay.

Throughout the pacing of my house, I looked for pills, I searched for a bit of bud to smoke, or a slight glimpse of hope, but I was left only to an empty house to myself and a few cigarettes. The depression medicine they have prescribed me does not lend a hand at all it seems, considering I have been on it for a while now, so I am left mostly to street drugs and my own therapeutic methods of calming down. But not even writing or drawing can calm the many issues that rage in my brain. With ADD and Bipolar disorder running in my family and a very heavily-emotional heart, not even my hands can write down my feelings fast enough. I need an immediate escape. I want it gone as soon as I may catch a whiff of it coming along. Because I know this thing spreads like a virus. And I will pace until it is late enough for bed.

"There's no one to call, 'cause I'm just playing games with them all. The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone. 'Cause I spend every hour just going through the motion, I can't even get the emotion to come out."

I find myself drawn to these lyrics of Rihanna's song, "What Now". I used to cradle myself in my own arms weeping to these lyrics because I deeply felt them. Every time I am upset, all I want to do is call someone. But I end with scrolling through my entire contact list in my phone and calling no one, and at the end of it all, I'm always saying that I am fine and swearing up and down to myself and others that things are just fine but I sadly I can only get past tricking myself into thinking it temporarily. My anxiety eventually returns. And it never leaves. It's something that we all cover up, but it still sleeps in our bones. Most of all, when I'm angry or upset about something, I find it difficult to lash out or to not lash out. As much as I want to just take a blade and cut myself open like I used to, I can't bring myself to do it anymore. But I don't know what's better; harming myself physically or letting it eat away at my mind until it's fried to a crisp. I debate a solution every step I take when I walk through the house.
I just want an escape.

I think we are all slaves of social happiness. But what more can you do than just take another pill to be okay again?

Squirrel Portraits

Saw the cutest squirrel sitting on my swing outside of my window today. Took a few portraits that I thought turned out great.

Late Night Thinking: Stay Trippy

I'm the kid walking into class with a bleached scalp and a ring of black. Precisely, very misunderstood and mistaken; immediately shocking and out of the ordinary. I find myself more interesting than I do most of the school work I waste my time with. I want to travel to the very depths of my mind and find every dark secret I have locked in the back of my head. People do say that we have a third eye, and it's the one we can't visually see, but the eye we see with inside of our head; our sixth sense. I wonder what my mind holds behind these walls and I wonder how close I have come to it and how much it takes to get to the other side. I really would want to find myself and who I am supposed to be than just have fun. This life is mine and I don't want to waste myself away, but things become so challenging when you are left alone with a stolen heart. I feel like I let it go a long time ago and I don't know how it's possible just to come back to me. I don't know where it may be and I don't know where I am inside myself. I don't know what I want to be in my life. I don't know who I want to be with. I question my gender and what I was supposed to be. I wonder what the fuck I actually am supposed to be because things like this are just so confusing. I'm only sixteen but this body just feels so much older. My back is aching half of the time and substitute my pain in my lungs. I found that I like hurting myself more than anything because I feel so much blame. That I just haven't done the right thing all of this time. I feel so lost without having someone telling me how important I am every day. And even if someone told me now, I would never believe it. I won't accept love. I won't fall again and hurt myself like I did before. How do you just get over something like that. When you love someone so much and you rely on them more than you do yourself to wake up. I didn't know where to turn with my life and I feared being alone. But I don't want anyone else. I don't want to let anyone else in. I want to be different. I want to find an outlet of this pain and make my mind understand me how I need to. But the biggest question I have, is where the fuck do I even start? Sometimes my mind is my worst enemy and sometimes it's my best friend. Sometimes I feel blessed and sometimes I feel cursed. I want to keep breathing but I just want to find my purpose.

Late Night Thinking: Stability

I found that over the years of learning about myself that I dread the nights in my bed the most. The nights that I am sober-minded and lonely to every insecurity that my mind has to offer. I find that I am my own worst enemy and that my mind is a slow-eating parasite. I wonder all the time what it would be like to actually be alone with no one and how my mind would adjust. If I was the last person on earth, just like my mind seems to imply at times, would I be dreaming of having someone, or would I just be so used to the feeling of loneliness that I would not need anyone else? I question my strength and what life is about. If life is about living for yourself, then how I am to go on with myself when I can't surpass a day without the constant anxiety eating at my heart strings? When people tell me that I am a strong person, and the times where I call myself a strong person, I seem to second guess my confidence and self-reliance when I lay in bed at night. I remind myself of the things I've done wrong, and the things that the future holds. I remind myself of the people who have left me, and I cling to the things that I wish I had. How strong am I? Am I as strong as I put myself out to be and how other people perceive me? Or am I just as much of a follower of this mind set that I am strong to a degree of vulnerability? We, as people, rely on others just as much as we rely on the breaths we take. Would our minds consume us in our solitary ways or would things be seemingly okay because we have learned that behavior? But the thing I question the most about myself is where I would be without the influence of urban society and what our true needs are in this world. What is the borderline of our physical bodily needs to the needs of our minds?

Vices and Virtues

Tonight it’s freezing

Just as my heart is

When it gets to nights like these

I think about your smile

I think about the talks we had

The things you said to me

The way you made me feel

It was unlike anything in this world

I felt a sense of comfort

To know something was mine

But something relied on so heavily

Just enough that I could not keep

They say you can never love too much

But I believe that you can

To love to the point

That you need that person

More than you need yourself

You lose yourself

And then to lose the one thing

You most relied on

You lose what you saw as your every breath

What do you do when you lose your purpose?

You find another purpose

Only this road you walk

You walk with bruises and scars

Deeper than a dagger could ever descend to

Travelling along with fear

You learn to rely on other things

Things that don’t live or breathe

Just to keep yourself sane

I may carry on every day

Until my last breath is reached

But I don’t know

If I would rather be happily dead

Or miserably awake

Sunshine

What am I living for?

Is this reality or my dream?

I end up on my knees most of the time

Just a way of hope and continuation

But when I wake up from this

Will I remember last night?

Or am I just walking in the same place?

I can pray and pray for things to go right

But what do I have when I lost my sunshine

My sunshine and only sunshine

To make me happy when my skies are grey

When I stand alone

Am I a statue

Or just a turtle on a highway?

Am I facing my reality
Or just a blurred line?

Our Obsessions

Please don’t talk to me
When I’m too gone to remember
Please don’t love me
I can’t talk all through November
It’s funny how an asset
Becomes a part of you
I can’t seem to love me alone
How will I love you?
How will I stop myself from falling apart?
When everything is gone
I’ll be alone in the cold
I don’t want to think about what it’s like
To smile and turn away
When I've inhaled too much
I don’t remember it again
And everything is spinning
When I don’t think at all
I won’t think of you
I won’t think of your smile
I’ll think of the green mile
I’ll think of my spoiled heart
Turned to a chunk of coal
My future rearranged and my smile as well
My drugs and alcohol
My dreams and eyeliner smears
My love
My want
My needs
My life in your hands!
My pieces left to break
And crack to a pile of ash…

Don't forget...